Dream

I've been posting journal entries from a journal I uncovered from over seven years ago.  A sense of doom is encasing me - some of what I had written then is almost verbatim to what I'm writing now.  I was speaking about this with a friend yesterday, and she commented that this is proof that we suffer from a disease, and this disease never goes away.  I'm left feeling angry, angry and powerless.  

We discussed watching the Olympics and how are negative body images are projected onto the best athletes in the world. Over the past few days I've heard myself saying how ugly swimmers' bodies are, asking myself how they live with their bulky shoulders and trunk-like legs.  Sick.  The irony is disturbing.

I'm reminded of my illness every second, waking or sleeping.  Last night during my sleep (which lasted the entire night!), the reoccurring binge dream flared in my unconscious.  The dream begins with us in a house, waiting for guests to arrive.  In the meantime, I go into a room alone and order numerous pizzas for delivery.  I then exit the house, leaving you to foot the bill.  When I return once the food has been delivered, you are irate, asking me why I didn't pay for the food I ordered.  You then stomp out of the house, and I binge on pizza after pizza.  I wake up frightened, plump with guilt, awaiting the flood of relief that never flows.  This must correlate to the feeling of never being relaxed.  I don't feel relief that I haven't binged on the pizzas; the frustration level augments because I cannot escape my obsessions even in my slumber.

I've said before that I'm tired of living in my mind.  I'm exhausted, and it's exhausting talking with me.  I feel for you, my friends, my family; thank you for listening to my limitless exasperations.  I just want to find the answer for my own peace.  Is it wrong to want to watch an Olympic sporting event and genuinely root for your national team*, rather than scrutinize their frame?  To walk from one end of a room to another and not compare thinness with each person I pass?  To have "normal" dream-filled sleep, like sitting for an exam I haven't prepared for?

These are my list of wants.  I'm being honest with myself.  These are things I will never have.

*Even though I was rooting for the French to win the men's swimming relay.  Allez les bleus:)