I'm on the road to recovery. I have almost conquered an entire day without bingeing, and I haven't intentionally denied myself of food. I have honestly wanted to complete other tasks. I started taking Adderall and Celexa yesterday, and the change is drastic. I rarely think of food. I still feel guilty for eating - maybe even more so- but I'm more conscious of what I'm putting into my body, and even more importantly is that I know that I should eat. My hip bones are sticking out more than usual, but I still see a large-boned, thick girl in the mirror. I'm scared that if I start to lose weight, the doctor will take me off the Adderall. That drug is a miracle. Honestly, everything looks brighter, and my sense of perspective has finally broadened. I don't just stare into my plate of food.
Also, my mom and I had a very serious talk. I told her I supported her and loved her, but she made me feel like the guilty runner-up in the competition. I told her about the weight loss comments. We decided to make up a system where I write a note to her and leave it under her pillow if she says anything derogatory. And she did tell my dad about my eating disorder. It's cool, though. Silent but sweet. I went outside yesterday to talk to my mom around dinnertime, and not once did I think about food. Not once was I afraid to walk into the kitchen. This is an unbelievable feeling that I have longed for for three years.
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