My mood is hitting an all-time low, and I know it is directly related to my behaviors. I have been bingeing terribly for the past couple of days, and my attitude reflects this. I am pissed off at myself for losing control, so now I am taking that out on others. I am trying to isolate myself, but that is so difficult to do when Mathias won't let me be by myself. He said this morning that he wanted to come watch me sleep. We had just driven from my parents house to his apartment to retrieve his car. We were sitting in the parking lot, and he said he wanted to follow me to my place so he could watch me fall asleep, "just for ten minutes." I wouldn't let him.
I don't understand how I have no control over my feelings. I have been so perplexed today. I don't want to isolate myself, but I can't seem to overcome the urge to be alone. I would give anything to be at Ridgeview right now. I am ashamed to admit I have not kept in contact with my friends. I think I am embarrassed to let them know about my recovery because, right now it is not going well. I cannot seem to put my health and my future first - I feel so much better when I am eating at regular intervals and not bingeing. I have motivation to work out and I have a level of control because I know what I have put in my body, so I can measure my level of output.
My sleep deprivation is worrying me. I do not know what I am afraid of. I have to use another method to tranquilize my mind to put me to sleep. I am scared that I am becoming dependent on alcohol, or substituting it for that matter, with my binges. I do not want to live in fear any longer. I want to enjoy life and wake up wanting to attack the day. I want to be held in Mathias' arms and not think of anything else. What will it take to achieve my goals?
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