First Day

Monday 6 PM:

Today is the first of many letters I will write to you.  I have spent the day prioritizing my goals for me and for us.  My utmost goal is to learn to live and react in a positive manner.  Today is the first time in many months that I have not binged.  I want to tell you on Friday that a week has passed without my negative behavior patterns.  I know I will be able to look into your eyes and tell you that I have not binged and purged for five successive days.  I am making a pledge to myself not to lie anymore; to you, to me, to my friends and family.  I am going to be honest with everyone.  I am going to start writing down my feelings so they are not bottled inside, so they don't explode the moment I see you or talk to you.  My writing has become my voice.  It's empowering to know I can control my actions.  I just caught myself trying to write a sentence starting, "even though," but I want to stop my negative thought.  This isn't who I want to be, and I have the power to change that.  It pains me to know that you (nor I) have seen the true me in so long.  I want to know if you fell in love with the girl who admitted she had a problem, who took the initiative to get better, who struggled with recovery for months afterward in a healthy manner.  I presume this to be the case, because this is the last time I can remember being truly happy.  I fought every day to maintain my health, and I was proud of who I was when I went to bed every night.

I am very proud of myself today.  I reward my behavior for asking for another chance with you, because I want nothing more than to share my life with you. Only I don't want to be unhappy.  I have found the will to fight for myself, for my life, and I know I can do this with or without you.  Imagining my future is inconceivable without you in it.  This is only added motivation to fight this insipid disease.  

The next few days and months will be treacherous and vulnerable.  I am relying on my friends, my strength, our future, to pull me out of this.  Please know I have made an appointment with a doctor who treats eating disorder patients.  I will see her next week (hopefully sooner if there is a cancellation).  Writing will be my release, as will many other healthy ways to cope with my feelings.  I've made massive strides just today.  As you know, consistency is my Achilles heel.  Consistency is an attainable goal, and the more I achieve, the greater rewards for me and for us. 

Thank you for the chance.  I love you.  I cannot tell you how great it is to feel this way.