I feel like I'm going to lose it. I wasn't expecting to go out to eat tonight - it's day 12, Friday night, and I'm sitting for Jacob and Izzie. Their dad came home before we went to swimming lessons and asked what our plans were for dinner. Chicken fingers and fries, I replied, having planned out their meal along with mine - a 1/2 a can of black beans I all ready checked to make sure was in the cupboard. You know you can always go out to eat, right, he asked? Jacob was already mid-air in excitement; I knew there wasn't any way to weasel my way out of this one.
After swimming, we drove over to Pei Wei (similar to a PF Chang's). Luckily the kids were running helter-skelter at the register, so I didn't have time to "decide" what I wanted to eat, ordering brown rice instead of everything else on the menu, like I really wanted. I dreaded the food arriving, knowing I wouldn't be able to say no to the rice. I didn't want to eat it, I don't want it in my body right now, I planned on eating the black beans, yet I still ate 1/2 a cup of rice that ruined my dinner. I'm pissed. I'm anxious, I want to run down the street screaming, ripping my clothes off, pulling my hair - this is the most uncomfortable feeling imaginable.
I just need to walk, but I have to sit here with the kids. Now I'm crying; I don't understand why this is so hard. It's fucking rice, for Christ's sake!!!
I don't have anything else to say. I'm too upset - maybe I'll write more later.
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