Day fourteen

You left this morning, and the first thing I did was go to the freezer and throw the gummy candy away.  There were four bags left, and I dumped all but 6 pieces down the garbage disposal.  I'm anxious like never before.  I'm obsessing about bingeing right now.  All I want to do is call the Pho take-out restaurant and order a large noodle bowl.  I don't know what it's going to take to get over this.  How do I relax?  I'm hungry ... I think. 

I'm so glad I went to the ABA meeting last night.  I felt like I was failing because I couldn't eat the piece of chicken, my homework for the week.  I didn't want to eat it at 4:15 yesterday afternoon, knowing you would be leaving around 4:30, allowing me the option to not keep it in.  My frustration level was (and still is) mounting, shaking inside me like a carbonated drink on a roller-coaster.  Every one reassured me my obnoxious, cranky emotions are normal - I'm detoxing, and this is typical after two weeks of withdrawal.  I'm tired yet shaky, apathetic yet pissy, starving yet passive.  All I can think about is stuffing my face with noodles, the warm feeling of having the broth in my belly, but I have to stop and ask myself, "what good will it do?  How will I feel afterwards?"  I know the guilt will consume me, especially after 14 days of sobriety, but that doesn't negate the fact that I want it so desperately.  My pores are breathing for it.

I am going to go make myself a salad, adding some spicy sauce to compensate for the spicy broth of the noodle bowl I so violently crave.  Maybe that will help.