Decision

My intensity is emoting fear in you.  Can you handle this any more?  Neither I nor you know the answer to that question, but firing you with my ricocheting emotions is like putting a spacer between my molars, incapable of watching the drifting as it occurs, but yet consumed with the suture-ripping pain, awaiting the separate island inevitable.  I told you I refuse to play victim any longer, and I stand by my word.  I am ripping out the spacer (in this case, my letters to you), refusing to let go of what we have, because I love you.  I am healing, I am better, it is getting easier, but two months in contrast to ten years if very short-term.  I recognize I need more time to beat this, hopefully with you by my side.  Therefore, I will put my letters on hold.

I found the willingness to fight back against my ED because I was scared of losing you. Ironically, I'm letting go of what I've only known for so long, and the worries between us still exist.  I asked for you to let me try, and I've put every ounce of strength I have found into beating this.  Please don't give up just yet.  I have so much left in me, so much more to do for this world, and it's brewing inside.  I will do great things.  Just wait and see.  

For now, I will write elsewhere, where I can be candid and intense in order to purge my feelings.  They are my feelings, as scary as they sometimes may be, and I will label them as reserved for my partaking only.  The emotions are too much too fast - I'm proud of your composure and your ability to understand, but these writings are too thick even for my best friends and family to read most days.  This journey has taught me how much I deserve to pay attention to what I need, and I have found the ability to express myself through my writing, without a person to direct my words towards.

You said yourself we are meant to be together.   Through the words of Wally Lamb, I repeat, "I know this much is true."

Thank you for listening.  

xoxo,

the real me